Defined by the colors of what THEY see rather than my soul. You find my shades of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple so shameful to love. Is it the way my colors brighten up in a room filled with glares of those whom think they speak for God. Pulsating throats speak words of hate and ignorance, you join them in their chants while you hide me in-between bed sheets of your lord and savior. In your sheets you can hold me for only so long before you realize the cross between our intertwined legs doesn’t resemble that of the one wrapped around your neck. Your eyes only take so long before they realize the virtue between my thighs will damn you to hell. It is in this bed you have damned me to lay - if you will suffer eternity in hell because you loved me - I will suffer to lay in the bed of someone who can only love me for moments at a time.
Father help me - I’ve lost myself - trading sex for love. wrapping myself in monsters, filled with lies and greed, looking to pierce virgin skin with toxin nails. Monsters all around, you mean nothing, but the youth between your thighs. Tracing their fingers shaped like knives against your pale bones - no one cares about your innocence - whispers of promised love, screams of reality. trapped in his bed now, no where to run - lay in the bed you’ve made, Johnny. Like acid through your virgin skin, you feel him burn through you - he no longer needs you in bed to penetrate skin. Love will never be the same again - you’re penetrated and used.
How did the time slip away so quickly, but it was so short lived wasn’t it? It was only 9, almost ten months ago, I held your hand for the first time and made you snuggle up to me on one of those cheap public vans - you didn’t mind. I spent nine months tracing your body, sparkled brown stars all over your back and chest, beauty marks to play connect the dots with. The summer months were the easiest - I made traces with my toes through an open summer and you dragged like a zombie through work, but alive you were with me. Your sweet thin arms embracing me on a very coney island of ferris wheels and missed polaroids of smiles and laughs. Driving to your apartment to only make love and eat dominos - nothing was complicated and my expectations you met. The cold weather hit us as school made me drag through like a zombie. We swayed through snow ridden weather and uncomfortable nights of sleepovers in my room. We were still eating dominos. The sluggish winter made us an old couple of staying in a lot, watching movies, and intertwined arms of love and honesty. December took it’s chill on us and we separated for a brief time, but in that time we started to realize what we were to each other and what we wanted - it’s almost as we were looking at each other for the first time - it was honest. After January came a month of more separation - your job took you on a journey and I waited as patiently as anyone ever can. Tension grew as that month closed, but finally embracing each other made that go away - as most times it does. We began to learn more about each other - frustrated at the beauties of which the other can not see - how we’d love to hold each other and make those thoughts disappear. The month of March brought no pain until it’s closing days - two vicious animals on the closing night of march we became - I thought we’d lost each other for good. I don’t know what you ever saw in my big brown eyes, but you let me back in. April has been all too fast and all too scary - the month I’ve dreaded and the day that has snuck up on me like a predator to his prey is drawing close. I don’t know how months left with you turned into days - I will hold you in my arms for another time tomorrow - months until I ever embrace you again. Sometimes I don’t know how I messed up so many times - all those times I got angry when we could’ve instead spent it smiling and happy - we argued. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love your heart and soul more than anyone ever could.
I was surprised to have more than a few people tell me what an inspiration I am to them and thanking me this past month for that
One kid told my fearless personality is admirable and that he wants to be like me when he’s my age. He also said a lot of his friends look up to me.
My two high school friends whom are still in high school told me that though they’ve never said it I am their role model.
Along with the previously mentioned there have been a lot this past month and especially this past year who have said they look to me when they’re afraid to do something. These people look up to me because they think I’m not afraid, but I remind them that I am very afraid - very afraid of not being loved for the freak I am, but now that I know I am someone’s role model -someone’s reason for not giving up or giving in to someone they don’t want to be - I must be strong for them. I just have to be.
‘member how we used to escape for the summer?
fireworks and sparkles would light up the black skies.
we’d hold on tight for our lives to each other.
hello, hello, where did you go?
we were two kids living life on the run, like the american dream, baby!
nothing to lose and we’d get messed up for fun.
we went too fast, too young.
I remember when my dad went to jail - they all pretended like it didn’t happen. They’d pick up the phone calls for me because an operator would state, “This call is from a federal prison inmate (insert my daddy’s name) - to accept the call please press 1”. Eventually my mother sat me down and told me what had happened - I was very very very upset and then she proceeded to ask me if I was gay……..I was in the 6th grade - and now that I look back at the situation i’m very angry at her for it - I was vulnerable and upset and she decided to push me further into a corner - I told her no, but that’s only because I genuinely didn’t know. I didn’t end up seeing my daddy for a few months until I had finally visited him in there. You had to dress appropriately to visit someone in jail - there are tons of rules and if you break them you won’t get to see the person. No khaki’s is the only one I can remember. You had to go through two metal detectors, sit in a waiting room, which bush’s face was hanging up on the wall, some kind of vault, a drug hand check, and then you finally got to see them. You only had an hour. The first time I saw him we both cried and we talked about the situation. It was odd to see him without any of his jewelry and the glamour he radiated - he was stripped of it and that was scary. The walls were scarier - so dull and colorless and everyone was sat in rows, very close to each other, but no one bothered anyone else because our time was limited. For some people they’d never spend time with their inmate outside of those walls and for others, such as me, would.
Do you ever go to bed and hope you won’t be you tomorrow? It’s not that I’m not content with my life nor is it that I have a terrible life, but more that I am very exhausted from my life. I had been through enough by the time I was in the seventh grade and that was probably around the time I stopped wanting to be me. It’s not particularly a constant feeling, but is common at night. Maybe, I do want to be me, but rather have a new start. I’m not sure. I feel that I am happy, but not really happy - not childhood happy and I think I’m sort of obsessed with childhood happy. I think we all are. I really just want to be happy like a little kid - granted, there are moments like when I skip, eat yummy cookies, play pokemon, and lay in Elliot’s arms that I’m really really giddy and childish happy. I don’t really know what I’m saying (but i’m praying for you!!!), but all I know is that it’s 3 in the morning, I should really wipe my mask off.